The Story of Kathy and Mike

Feelings before the ligation

My name is Kathy, and I would like to share the story of my reversal operation in hopes of helping other couples not to make the same mistake in their marriages and to encourage couples who are following the Church’s teachings to continue.

I am 42 years old, my husband Mike is 44, and we have been married for 23 years. We have four children ages 22,20,15, and 9 and have lived in Minnesota for 24 years. Mike and I were both raised as Catholics, but in the early years of our marriage we really did not give any importance to God. We wanted our children to be baptized and to believe in God, so we began to go to church again when our first child was born. We attended Mass and enrolled our children in religious education classes, but we were very far from knowing God. We wanted our children to receive the sacraments, but we did not really understand our Catholic faith very well ourselves.

We continued living with a lukewarm attitude towards God and Catholic teaching. I guess we went through the motions out of duty to our children and a little bit of conscience that it was important to attend Mass. Mike and I ignored whatever Church teachings we didn’t agree with and felt totally comfortable deciding for ourselves what was important. As long as we used our own consciences, we thought we would be fine. The only problem was we didn’t have much of a conscience about anything and just thought that belief in God was all that was important. We forgot the truth of Matthew 7:21, which says: “Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the Will of my Father in heaven.”

Our children grew up, and as in any family there were joyful and sad times. Mike had a good job, and I was able to stay at home with the children. I loved being a mom, and I really found joy and fulfillment in raising my children. Most of my friends at some point went back to work or school, and I began to have feelings of low self-esteem. I felt that maybe I was not contributing enough financially and that I was not keeping up with the world. I thought that maybe I should be more educated or have more money for all the extra things I gave up to stay at home; but I really never had the desire to have a career. I liked my life; yet I felt I needed a job to feel more valued. When my third daughter was 3 years old, I started working part time.

The lack of understanding of who we were in the family of God really began to cause discontentment. The thought that maybe there was something missing, something else to give us joy, was in our thoughts. I think we both had our struggles with happiness. They were different struggles, but I know they came from not knowing God and His plan for our lives. We didn’t know what we were working towards. One day while Mike was at work, a friend asked him questions about God and if they could pray together. Mike agreed and also received a Bible from his friend. This was the beginning of our spiritual journey- a journey that led us out of the Catholic Church and, by the grace of God, back home to the truth and security of His Church.

Mike and I began to read the Bible for the first time, and as God’s Word began to touch our hearts, we wanted to know more. We started to take our faith more seriously and become more involved at our parish. As time went on, we started criticizing many things about our faith. We started to feel that the Church was all about rules and rituals, and we were discontent. We were not growing any closer to God. We did not feel we were getting anything out of the Mass because the homilies were so short and did not teach us anything. We never heard any teaching on the Eucharist, and we weren’t sure what the Church taught. We also didn’t feel our children were learning anything. The need to feel God’s presence in our lives was still missing, and we still had the mentality that we just needed to follow our own consciences. We didn’t think confession was necessary. We didn’t know in what way Christ was present in the Eucharist, and so it had little meant to us. Because of our ignorance, we began to feel angry, and eventually it was easy for us to leave the Church, and we did.

One summer day some college age kids come to our door and invited our children to a Vacation Bible School at an Evangelical church. We sent the kids and went to their family day and to their Sunday service. We were very impressed with the pastor’s zeal and preaching on the Bible. Everyone was friendly, and it didn’t take long for us to join. Our children weren’t sure if they liked the change, but they went along with us and began to make some friends. At that time, we told our three daughters that we wanted to learn more about the Bible and that it didn’t matter what church we belonged to as long as we were growing in faith. We stayed at that church a few years until shortly after the birth of our fourth child.

Because we had no confidence in Church teaching, we used contraception from the beginning of our marriage, trying many types. I never had any Church teaching on birth control, but I did know it was met with disapproval. I also knew that many Catholics did not agree with that teaching, but we thought that no birth control seemed totally unrealistic in this day and age. I had never heard of Natural Family Planning (NFP).

I became pregnant with my fourth child at age 34, while still using birth control. Mike and I had felt that if birth control didn’t work, it would be okay to have one more child, but no more after that. Even though every child we had was a great joy to us, I still had worries with every pregnancy. I really missed the initial joy of it all by thinking that his one might be more than I could handle or too much for financially. I always seemed to look at life a little negatively, always worried. I didn’t believe in a God who helps us and who is involved in every aspect of outlives, a loving Father who I could trust with my life. We both took this gift of being able to conceive a child for granted. I never appreciated the gift of life and didn’t see the pain of women who couldn’t conceive or who had great difficulty with pregnancy. With mixed emotions I told family and friends we were having another child.

God blessed us with a son with whom we were overjoyed. Joseph brought joy to the whole family. My daughters helped take care of him and had fun with their baby brother. Our first two children were 21 months apart, our third daughter was born five years later, and then our fourth child seven years after that. The age differences were challenges at times but never a problem.

By the grace of God and the gift of our son, we returned to the Catholic Church. The church we were attending did not baptize infants. They wanted us to have a dedication service. For the first time Mike and I really had to think about what this meant. We still did not have a good understanding of Baptism, but we knew we had to Baptize our son. We returned to our former Catholic Church, and at 6 months old our son was baptized. We had friends at our Catholic parish, but they were not close relationships, and I’m not even sure if anyone knew we had left the Church for a few years.

Our son was healthy, and we were a very busy family of six now. Once again, I began to think about what I would do for birth control. I was tired of all the different methods I had used, and we started to talk about sterilization. It seemed the easiest and the most reliable way to go. I decided to have it done and requested it from my doctor without much thought. I really can’t remember whether or not I was given anything to read on tubal ligation. The nurse told me about the procedure, and it seemed simple enough. Mike was also in agreement that four children were all we should have, and so I had the tubal done. I felt sure we did the right thing.

We never talked to our priest about any of our doubts and struggles with the faith or our decision to have the tubal. We had never had a relationship with any priest and were not used to seeking any kind of spiritual direction. We were worse off than when wet first left the Church.  We still didn’t know what the Church teaches on issues like contraception. We still had no adult education to help our spiritual growth. We were back to Mass, but we lived in sin and did not go to confession. Nothing in us had changed since the time we left, so all the same feeling of criticism returned. We felt we were not being fed but didn’t know what to do about it; I began not to care anymore.

Feelings after the ligation

We had no sorrow over our decision to have the tubal done, and years passed without much thought of what we had done. Even so, the freedom from worrying about pregnancy really wasn’t a benefit to our marriage. Our sex life really wasn’t as special and exciting as it was before. We didn’t understand why, but it just wasn’t the same.

The sin in our lives was having an effect on our spirit, and so we were not able to have the peace and joy we were searching for in God. I felt so bad and was so angry with the Church because I was empty. The mass meant nothing to me, and I didn’t even want to go anymore. Mike felt the same unhappiness. I felt like I was dying inside. I don’t know how to explain how bad it felt. I felt like I was dying inside. I don’t know how to explain how bad it felt. Our children also suffered because we could not give them what we did not have. They also had a poor education in the Catholic faith and were not brought up with God as the focal point of their lives, nor with a Catholic identity.

In January 1996, my husband and I experienced a life-changing conversion. As we drove past a Catholic Church, I had a strong feeling that we were supposed to go there. Along with that sense, I kept hearing the words, “WITHOUT DELAY.” I told Mike what I was feeling and said to him, “We have to go there.” That Sunday we attended Mass at the new church and have been there ever since. Starting Ash Wednesday, we began attending every night of their Lenten mission and began to see the sin in our lives. Fr. Al spoke about God and sin, helping us understand for the first time our need to repent.

Our new parish was very committed to prayer and teaching, for both youth and adults We saw a real joy and reverence in the worship and the witness of families who were truly living out their Catholic faith. Along with our pastor there were many priests who visited and spoke with such love of our Lord and His Church and the truth found in the teachings of the Church. We are so grateful to those priests who brought us out of darkness to Jesus in the sacraments. They helped us experience the love and mercy of Jesus who lives and proclaimed the truth to us.

God was so patient and gentle with us, and He allowed us the great gift of experiencing this conversion together. We began to read everything we could on the Catholic faith. Our new understanding brought us great peace because we had found the truth that had been missing in our lives. We didn’t have to live in confusion or keep searching. We finally could know God’s Will for our lives because we understood that the Church has the authority given by Jesus to teach us all truth without error. We could now say we loved the Catholic Church because we finally understood that Jesus gave it to us as the pillar and foundation of truth (1 Tim 3:15).

We then had to talk to our children about what we were experiencing and the mistake we had made in leaving the Catholic Church. Having almost thrown our faith away, we wanted to make sure our children knew their Catholic faith and our Lord in a very personal way. Mike and I began going to confession again. We both confessed our sin of sterilization. A priest suggested we learn NFP, using abstinence during the fertile times as a way of living according to God’s Will.

Before we began learning NFP, we were invited to attend a video-tape series called Restoring the Family to Christ by Don and Posie McPhee. It was because of this tape series, which explores the many challenges of Catholic family life today, that we began to consider having the reversal operation. Each week the couples would meet in a home, view a tape, discuss the questions with each other, and also take questions home for private discussion. During those meetings we shared the joys and struggles of our family life. We were able to see how beautiful Catholic family life could be. We were inspired by Don and Posie McPhee’s understanding of this subject and by their honest and sometimes very painful experiences that they and others shared with us on this video.

A few weeks into the series, the topic focused on the gift of our sexuality. We received the encyclical letter Humanae Vitae-Of Human Life and also Familiaris Consortio- The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World. As we listened to the experiences of the couples on the video, Mike and I experienced a much deeper reality of what we had done and a greater sorrow.

We had never thought about having a reversal operation until one of the couples on the video told the story of their reversal, and we realized that a reversal was possible. We felt that if we truly loved God and trusted Him, we should do all we could to change what we had done. We both knew we were forgiven in the sacrament of Reconciliation, but we also knew that if we were sincerely sorry, there really wasn’t any excuse not to correct what we had done. Although other couples in the group had also used contraception at one time or another, we were the only couple who had been sterilized. No one ever suggested a reversal to us.

We now had a much greater appreciation for the gift of life and the beauty and wisdom in the teachings of the Church. We also had a much greater trust in God our Father and His provision for us. With that, Mike and I both agreed privately that we should have the reversal operation. We didn’t feel we needed to talk to our priest about this. We were quite sure it was the right thing to do. So, I started calling clinics in our area looking for doctors who would do this operation. I really did not know whom to contact for help and soon became discouraged. I had thought a reversal would be a simple outpatient procedure like the tubal was, but soon found that it involved at least a one- or two-day hospital stay with a cost of $8,000 to $10,000. We both knew that this was too expensive for us, and we didn’t look into it anymore.

A few months went by, and I still had the operation on my mind. Our church bulletin announced that NFP classes were bring offered and, remembering what the priest had suggested in confession, I felt that we should take the classes. Mike agreed and so we went. I was confident that this was what God wanted, and I was looking forward to the class. What I didn’t expect were all the emotions that I experienced during these classes. In particular, I was a little embarrassed to be in a class where the other couples were the same age as our oldest children; even the teaching couple was much younger than we were. Even so, I was feeling more than just old- I was very hurt over our past.

As we continued class, I not only learned the method of NFP but also heard the beautiful testimony of the instructors. It was impressive to see young couples preparing for marriage and receiving the full teaching of the Church about marriage and God’s gift of sexuality. I saw a holiness in the marriage of the instructors that I felt missing in ours-and I wanted this. Mike was going through his own struggles during this time. At this point in our marriage the practice of NFP was frustrating for him, but I knew he was trying and wanted to do what was right. It was very difficult at first; a big part of NFP was missing for us because there could never be a time of openness to life. I knew that we weren’t experiencing the full beauty of NFP and the union between husband, wife, and God. I think the hurt and anger was a little greater for me than Mike because I had chosen to do this to my body- the body that had given birth to our children and that was now mutilated by my own choice. I also felt angry that these young couples knew so much more than we did and I couldn’t go back and change all the past mistakes and all the hurt we both experienced because of the sin in our life.

I experienced an even deeper reality of what we had done and began to grieve over the missing children I believed were meant to be in our family. There was still a green need for healing in me. The realization of our sins can bring a lot of pain and can be hard to deal with, but this is when Jesus heals us by pouring out His love and mercy on us, and we begin to feel His loving embrace.

I was not able to forget about a reversal operation. I knew that if I did not go through with it, I would always regret it. I kept thinking there might be another child for us, another precious soul form heaven. How could I say no if that was God’s plan for us? Mike and I talked about all these things, and he felt the same as I did. Because I was the one who would be having the operation, he left the decision up to me.

Mike was patient with me as I went back and forth, from yes to no, confidence to fear. I wanted the operation, but I did not know where to go for help or counseling. One day our mail contained a leaflet from an organization called One More Soul, which advertised a phone number for sterilization reversal information. I called, and Peggy Powell answered for the first of many phone calls and long conversations. Peggy was genuinely caring and very patient, never forcing her views on me. She answered all my questions and always had time to talk to me, giving me all the information I needed about doctors, cost, and phone numbers to call. She also gave me the names of several doctors who perform reversal surgery at a reduced cost because it is their ministry; but they were all from out of state. I finally contacted a doctor in Tennessee because he was the closest and also had the lowest rate. I talked to his nurse who answered all my questions and told me what information I needed to send to them and what the goal cost would be. The success rate of this doctor was very high, but I still felt unsure because I had never met him.

I mailed all of the information and was told that the doctor would be able to do the surgery. When the time came to set the date for surgery, the fears really hit hard. A flood of doubts came to mind, and the conviction I first felt was colluded with reasons why this was not necessary, especially because of my age, and I started to think I wasn’t supposed to go through with it. I told Mike I wasn’t getting any clear sign from God and that I was going to wait until I did.

During this time, I was continuing to pray for a sign. I was spending an hour a week in Eucharistic Adoration and my love and knowledge of Jesus was growing. I also was growing closer to the Blessed Mother and the saints, I had a lot of fears as a Child, and I would pray to Mary, especially when I was afraid at night. I would talk to her, pray the rosary and her and St. Joseph to be with me. Now I was going back to her once again. Whenever I was in the presence of Jesus at Adoration or Mass, I had peace about going through with the reversal; but as soon as I was back home, I would become filed with doubt. This went on for some time, and I still waited for some sign from God to go through with it.

Peggy Powell had given me the name of a priest I could call for counseling. I called Fr. Dan McCaffrey. I told him about all the doubts and confusion I was feeling. Fr. McCaffrey talked with me and even gave me his home phone number if I needed him again. I am so grateful for Fr. McCaffrey. He saw things clearly, trusting in God, and he cut through the confusion in my mind. I will always be grateful to him for speaking the truth to me, encouraging me, and being there when I needed that spiritual direction. I realized that the sure sign I was looking for had always been there in the voice of the Church- that still, small voice I kept hearing in my heart. It was simple: if something is stolen, then it should be given back. Well, hadn’t we stolen from God the Father? Now we had the chance to give back to God what was His, our fertility.

I stopped praying, “Should I, Lord?” and began praying, “Help me, Lord.” I prayed to Mother Teresa to please help me. I told her I didn’t know what to ask of her, but I was feeling overwhelmed in trying to make plans for this operation. I didn’t know where to start or how to work out all the plans for an operation out of state. There were so many details to take care of. Traveling to Tennessee would mean plane reservations. I would put trust in a doctor I have never met and a hospital and staff I had no experience with before. I would have to coordinate when we could go, the doctor’s availability, the help at home with our two younger children, and time off of work for Mike. I didn’t know how all this could work out, especially with no family nearby to help. However, after I changed my prayer to the Lord and asked for the intercession of Mother Teresa, everything changed, and the operation was done within weeks.

One day while at home, I felt inspired to make some phone calls and try to get the date set for the operation. To my surprise every detail of the trip was worked out. It all fell into place, one phone call after another. The doors were being opened, and I knew this was a good sign. I thanked Mother Teresa. I looked at my calendar and realized that it was the feast day of St. Therese the Little Flower, October 1.

I wanted to schedule the surgery for October 15th because it was the best time for arranging help at home, and the children had that Friday off from school. The nurse who was helping me said that date was filled, and I would have to pick another. As I was looking at my calendar, she suddenly changed her mind and said that day would be fine. When I hung up the phone, I realized I had scheduled the operation on the feast day of St. Teresa of Avila. On the day of our plane flight, we picked up a newspaper and found out that it was the anniversary of Our Lady’s appearance at Fatima. I knew this was no accident. Everything was happening on a special day in the Church. We were under the protection of Mary and the saints.

I had to rely on the help of our friends from church, and everyone was able to help on the days I needed them. We received a lot of prayer and support from our Christian friends. Our trip would not have been possible without them. Our families lived out of state, and I knew that they did not understand the conversion that Mike and I were experiencing. Trying to share all this over the phone seemed too hard. I knew my family would think that a reversal was an extreme, unsafe thing to do, so I decided to wait until after the operation to tell my mother and sisters.

We told our older girls but did not tell our son, who was too young to understand all of this at the time. Our children just listened and did not say too much. I told them what I had done and about our regrets. They had been witnessing our conversation over the past few years, and I knew they had mixed emotions about it all and did not understand why I was doing this. I think at times it was hard for them to believe that our faith was real and not phony. At times I really felt the presence of an oppressive spirit as Mike and I became closer to Christ and were trying to change our home life and bring our children under His authority. It must have been scary for them to see us changing, and we experienced some very difficult times. One of my daughters told me recently that she had felt upset because she thought I had made a very quick decision and that I might have been influenced or told to do the reversal. I hadn’t told her how long we had been praying about this and about everything that led up to our decision.

Along with our children, some friends and some family members were also very skeptical of the changes in us. There were a lot of different reactions to our excitement and efforts to share what we were experiencing, especially our attempts to evangelize or talk about church doctrine. They were sometimes angry with us because they thought we were judging them. We didn’t grow up in a time when evangelization was encouraged, especially for Catholics, so I do understand the many different reactions to us. As I look back, I can understand how this seemed so strange to our family with their knowledge of our past and us.

I knew that not everyone would understand or agree with our decision to have the reversal operation, but what was important was our spiritual well-being. We encountered the living God and experienced His mercy and love together. There are no words to describe that. It was a dramatic life-changing experience for us. We wanted to share that with our children and family. We wanted to live that relationship with Him in obedience and faith, out of love. No guilt or pressure influenced our decision.

We arrived in Tennessee on Tuesday, October 13. I became very nervous again at the thought of having an operation. We had a very quiet night together, not talking much. I remembered that months before, when I was trying to decide where to go and what doctor to choose, a picture had come into my mind. I saw a statue of the Blessed Mother; it wasn’t painted, and it was a life-size statue. I thought this might be a sign for me to look for: I said, “If I see this near the hospital, I will know Mary is with me protecting me.” I thought about the newspaper article we saw on the plane about the anniversary of Fatima. I wondered if that was a sign of her presence.

On Wednesday afternoon I had to go for the pre-op visit and to meet the doctor. In the morning, we had nothing else to do, so since we were in Memphis, we decided to go to Graceland, the home of Elvis. This was really strange. We were walking around Graceland, and I kept thinking, “What am I doing here? This is crazy. Is this really happening to me? What am I doing in Graceland?” Now when I look at the photo Mike took of me under a Graceland banner, I realize that I was really in Grace Land.

My pre-op visit went well, and I felt more at ease after meeting The doctor and talking to him. He kept a Bible in his office and a prayer on the wall. He had pictures of his family on his desk. The signs of his Christian faith were a comfort to me. He told me what to expect and that they would put me under general anesthesia. He talked to Mike and me about our feelings and expectations and the success rate he had with patients. As we were talking, he told us about another woman there from Minnesota who was scheduled right after me for the same surgery. We left the clinic and went to the hospital to register, and there we met the woman The doctor told us about. She was from a neighboring parish in our area and was there with her sister-in-law. We shared our thoughts and fears, and it was a great comfort to talk with her.

Feelings after ligation reversal

We said goodbyes, and while driving back to our hotel, we saw a Catholic Church just a mile or two front he hospital. We stopped and went inside. The door we entered brought us right into the chapel, and there we saw the woman we had just met, and together we knelt before the tabernacle and prayed the Divine Mercy Prayer. I will never forget how powerful that prayer was prayed in unison. I felt the Mercy of Jesus, and His compassion and peace enveloped me. I felt total dependence on Jesus and complete trust. I was very small, and Jesus was so powerful in the gentlest way.

Mike and I left the church through the sanitary and went out into a back courtyard. As we looked up, there was a life-size statue of the Blessed Mother looking down at me. Mary was pure white, and her arms were open wide as Our Lady of Grace. This was my sign; Mary was with me, and I had no more doubts or anxiety. I felt such peace come over. Thank you, dear Lord, for the gift of your mother.

I had surgery at 8 o’clock the next morning. It was a long day, and Mike stayed by my side. The operation took a few hours, and I was told it was successful. I was very sore, but they continued to give me pain relievers, and I slept most of the day. I had the choice of staying overnight or leaving, and so I decided to go back to the hotel with Mike at around 10pm.

We had two days before our flight back home. The plan was to drive to Alabama to visit Mother Angelica’s Monastery of the Holy Angels. We rented a car and off we went. I slept in the back seat and Mike drove. We listened to music and thanked God that everything went well. On our drive we came across a Benedictine monastery in Cullman, Alabama. We stopped and took a walk through their beautiful gardens that had a beautiful grotto with a statue of the Blessed Mother, many miniature replicas of churches and shrines and a hillside replica of the Holy Land. It was so beautiful. We followed the garden path and found a statue of St. Therese the Little Flower. I thought this was so unusual, to come across a statue of St. Therese in Alabama. Then I realized that throughout the whole trip, I had been shown signs of the presence of Mary and the assistance of the saints. As a result, the following scriptures verse has become quite meaningful to me: “Therefore since we are surround by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the area that lies before us.” (Hebrews 12:1)

After our return home I continued to heal physically and spiritually. Every day I felt better. I recovered quickly. I made sure I took it slow the first week home and took care of myself. I was so grateful to a friend who brought over some meals for my family. It was exactly the help I needed to get through that first week.

I felt very close to Jesus during that time, but I also had a new awareness and closeness to God the Father. Mike and I don’t know if God has plans for more children in our marriage, but we are open to that possibility. We feel both happy and scared about that. We realize our faith and trust in God is an ongoing process and our conversation continues every day.

God is now present in our marriage and also in our sexual relationship. There is holiness in our marriage that was missing before. There are still times when I feel sad about our past mistakes, but most of the time I feel a great peace in our life together. We now understand that God give us grace in the sacrament of marriage for our vocation. I thank God that, through the teachings of His Church, we now have an understanding of who we are and where we are headed. We now recognize the great dignity and value in all human work and vocations, especially our marriage.

During a time of prayer while I was recovering from the operation, I experienced a feeling of love come over me that I knew was God the Father. I felt that there was something I was supposed to read in the Catechism. I was looking through the pages when I came across this, which sums up so beautifully our Church’s teachings about the body and states so clearly why sterilization is so wrong:

Man, though made of body and soul, is a unity. Through his very bodily condition he sums up in himself the elements of the material world. Through him they are thus brought to their highest perfection and can raise their voice in praise freely given to the creator. For this reason, man may not despise his bodily life. Rather he is obliged to regard his body as good and to hold it in honor since God has created it and will raise it up on the last day. (CCC #364)

It has been over a year since I had the reversal operation. Mike and I just became grandparents of a beautiful little girl. We continue to be open to life and to whatever God has planned for us, and we both know we made the right decision to have the reversal operation, whether or not we have more children. As God continues to show us the self-giving and sacrificial love He has for us, we understand more and more how we are to love each other as husband and wife. We pray that our testimony will help other couples trust in God, love His Holy Catholic Church, and restore their bodies and souls out of love for the source of all true love- Jesus.

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